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.Nulli Secundus -
'Second to None'
by Terence Cardwell
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Chapter
Fifteen- Barnados
The six weeks since Annie and Ted had been placed in the
Home were happiest of their lives.
Ted had learned to accept school and was proving to be a
bright student. Annie enjoyed reading, making it her
task to read all the books that were available about
life in the outside world. They made friends with the
other children, most of whom had had similar
backgrounds, and they shared each other’s stories.
Their only sorrow was that their grandfather didn’t come
to visit them. They waited nearly day to see him but he
never came. Annie feared he was upset with them for
leaving, and was refusing to come and visit. She hoped
and prayed he would forgive them and come to see them
soon.
Finally she plucked up courage, with the help of Ted,
and went to see Mr Brown about the promise to allow
their grandfather to see them.
‘Annie, Ted, sit down there,’ he said, pointing to a
lounge chair. ‘I have wanted to tell you for some time
but I waited for you to settle in first.’
‘Tell us what?’ Ted queried, still suspicious, and
knowing that that which is easily gained can just as
easily be taken away.
‘You won’t let him see us, will you?’ Annie said in a
tearful voice, dreading that the permanent separation
from her grandfather was going to be the price for
remaining at the Home.
‘No, no, it’s not that. Unfortunately your grandfather
was very old and weak, and couldn’t come to visit you.’
‘Well, we will go and see him,’ Ted replied, the problem
solved in his direct childlike way. ‘You promised us,’
he insisted.
‘I know, but unfortunately your grandfather passed away
five weeks ago,’ replied Mr Brown. The words felt like
acid in his mouth but he couldn’t think of an easy way
to tell them.
‘You mean he’s dead?’ Ted turned red in the face, the
way he did when he was trying not to cry.
Annie felt her own face grow hot, and then cold.
‘Grandad dead? No, he can’t be. Not Grandad.’
‘I’m afraid so. He died in his sleep. In his chair.’
The room was silent. Ted wept silently, not wiping the
tears from his chin.
Annie could see him there, calling for her to make the
tea. But who would have made his tea? No one was there,
and he called and he called. No one came, no one cared.
‘He was all alone and no one helped him. We should have
stayed with him. He needed me and you let him die!’
Annie cried and shook, the tears flowing down her cheeks
as terrible sadness overtook her. The unthinkable had
happened. She had lost the only person who had loved and
cared for her. She wanted to scream and never stop, but
the pain inside would not let her. He was gone.
Her grandfather was dead.
Something inside Annie snapped and as she looked through
the haze of her tears she screamed.
‘You let him die. You let him die. You lied. You never
helped him. No one helped him. You knew he couldn’t do
anything. You killed my Grandad!’ She collapsed on her
knees .
‘Oh, Grandad. Grandad. I’m sorry,’ she sobbed over and
over as the guilt of his death overcame her. ‘I left you
alone when you needed me. I shouldn’t have come here.’
She knew she would carry the guilt for the rest of her
life.
Ted was crying unashamedly as he dropped to his knees
alongside her, trying to hold her, not knowing what to
do next.
Mr Brown went to the door and called a nurse, then
returned to console Annie.
‘He was very old; he told me he was happy that you were
well looked after. It was just old age,’ he said,
feeling guilty about having to lie to them.
The nurse entered and took Annie’s hand, guiding her to
the long settee and indicating to Ted to sit there as
well. She sat between them and took their hands gently
in hers.
‘You have begun a new life now and we will keep you safe
here until you are old enough to look after yourselves,’
Mr Brown said. ‘Sister will take you back to your rooms
and see you are alright.’
The nurse stood, helping Annie and Ted up. Ted had
withdrawn into himself and gone silent. Annie sobbed
quietly and inconsolably. The knowledge that she would
never see her grandfather again left her with an ache
within that would remain with her for many years and
never truly heal.
Her grandad was the only person who held her when she
was upset. Tended to her wounds when she was hurt, held
her close, kissing the top of her head and hugging her
when she needed love. He was the only adult who had ever
shown her true warmth, love and caring. He was gone
forever and she could do nothing about it.
It hurt greatly that she had never been able to say
goodbye, and she would never forgive them for not
telling her.
‘Where was he buried?’ she asked. ‘How did he die?’
‘We will take you to his grave later,’ the nurse
replied. ‘Maybe next week.’
Since Annie had come to the Home her life was much
better in so many ways, but now she believed it was at
the cost of her grandfather’s life, and nothing was ever
going to remove the sadness and the guilt.
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